The baby has finally arrived, the moment you’ve been waiting for! The little clothes are washed, the room is ready but now there’s a sudden shift from pure excitement to so much more. The pressures that can come postpartum are not always spoken about and so when they hit, it can feel scary, lonely, and unsettling. Can you think of pressures that you faced in the postpartum period as a parent? Let’s explore some of the pressures of postpartum below:
Every journey to parenthood looks a bit different. For some conceiving might have been an unexpected surprise; others may have fought for years to have the family that they wanted, whether through IVF or adoption, and the many other versions of parenthood in between. Regardless of the journey, when the day comes that you are now a new parent, it can come with more emotions than you had expected.
While a wide range of emotions is entirely normal, it is often not spoken about, which can leave people feeling confused. Let’s look at some of the pressures of postpartum that might come up. Some of these are particularly applicable to new mothers’ postpartum, while others are applicable to both parents and some apply well beyond the first year:
- The pressure to be elated: everyone may expect you to feel a certain way, not overtly of course but comments like “you must be over the moon!” or “you must be so happy!”. And for part of you that is of course true, but there also may be a part that is afraid, overwhelmed or even feeling low. It’s normal to feel a mix of emotions, don’t confuse the excitement that others have for pressure to feel a certain way.
- The pressure to be ‘a natural’: some parents adapt very quickly to the new role, others take time. Some may fly through the newborn phase, while others really come into their own as a parent in the later years. Don’t panic if you are finding the adjustment a bit harder than expected, it is a huge change and like all change it can take time to adapt.
- The pressure to ‘enjoy every minute’: a common comment when there is a new baby in your arms. While the advice is well-meant, for a new parent who has had a particularly difficult few days or is struggling to cope, this can feel like a blow to the heart. It can create a feeling of guilt that you’re not ‘enjoying every minute’, in fact maybe there have been moments that you hate. That’s ok, that’s normal. You are human and like anything, there are things we enjoy and things we don’t. Feeling the pressure to enjoy every aspect isn’t helpful, rather aim to simply be present in these moments and not judge yourself by how much you ‘enjoy’ it.
- Pressure to ‘bounce back’: sometimes this pressure comes from within, a longing to feel like your old self, and sometimes it feels like an external pressure or expectation. Just remember, if you’ve just given birth, on a physical level, pregnancy and birth creates huge changes within your body for nearly a year, ‘bouncing back’ instantly is not a realistic goal for most. On a mental or emotional level, feeling like your old self can take time because of the enormous change that you have just faced. It can cause a shift in our identity and create questions on who you are now. Take time to simply focus on healing, appreciating, and caring for your body. Approach your identity with a curiosity rather than judgement, there is a new layer to you now, that will take time to explore. This all needs to come from a place of love rather than one of self-loathing.
- Pressure to ‘have it all figured out’: maybe you’re comparing yourself to people online or others you know, maybe you read all the books/blogs and posts and still feel lost. Just remember, just like your little one – this is all new for you too. You will find your own strengths, your own rhythm and know that none of us have it all figured out, it’s just about taking it one step at a time until it feels a little bit less scary.
- The pressure to meet the ‘ideal’ in your head: maybe you have always wanted to be a parent, you’ve done all you can to make it happen and the vision you had in mind it’s not matching the reality. Don’t panic, it’s normal to experience this. Take time to be present and compassionate with yourself. Don’t judge yourself based on how you thought this would feel, rather aim to experience each moment as it comes, without judgement.
Ultimately, becoming a parent is a wild ride that is, in some ways, quite unique for each of us. Taking each day as it comes helps you avoid some of these unnecessary pressure traps. Trust that you will find your groove as a parent, you will feel like yourself again and this postpartum period of life will come to an end. You may even be experiencing some of these pressures while caring for a toddler or a teen, the advice remains the same: the most important thing is to be kind to yourself as a parent and please seek help when you need it.
This article was written by Lauren Hall, pre-accredited and newly qualified Psychotherapist at The DMC Clinic. If you would like to discuss how any of the topics mentioned above are impacting your mental health, please contact The DMC Clinic to arrange an appointment.