The ending of any relationship can be difficult, even if it ends amicably there is a process of healing and often grieving necessary. In this article we will look at ways to help make this transition a bit easier and surviving separation.
Why is a breakup of a relationship so challenging?
Well for many reasons. For some there are obvious factors such as shared children or home that needs to be considered. There can be shared friendships and hobbies that might become more complicated. And for any relationship there is a shared history that a couple has experienced together, this can create a feeling of loss. In addition, some relationships end on bad terms. Perhaps there was infidelity, deceit, or abuse – any of which can make the breakup even more emotionally complex and painful. Finally, sometimes the breakup blindsides one partner and can leave them questioning themselves and the relationship.
Regardless of how or why the relationship has ended, it often takes a toll on both parties. How can we get through it a little easier?
In an amicable (or mostly amicable) separation:
Perhaps you both feel ready to call it a day or perhaps even if it’s one sided, you both understand & would like to make it as gentle as possible for each other or for the family. Tips to stay on the same page below:
– keep communication kind and goal oriented, avoid getting side-lined into cycles of blame when the breakup is fresh.
– focus on the desired outcome, for example if you want an amicable solution for children, always keep that front and centre of your mind.
– remember that you do or once cared for this person and you both deserve happiness.
– focus on what you are excited for in your own future and keep that in mind when you’re feeling low.
For those who feel blindsided by a separation:
– it can feel like the rug has been pulled from under you. Lean on the stability you have from supports in your life (family, friends, keeping a routine, hobbies, therapy).
– ultimately, a person’s decision to end a relationship is a reflection of where they are in their own life, do not use it as fuel for self-hatred or beating yourself up for things that you cannot control.
-do you not put pressure on yourself to feel healed right away, take one day at a time and focus on things that make you feel more like yourself.
For those in a hostile break up:
– if one or both of you are behaving in a way that you know to be unhealthy, hurtful, or unnecessary remember it’s never too late to start treating the other with respect.
– if you can, take a break from contacting each other until you are in a better space or more able to communicate amicably.
– if you must be in communication (to make arrangements for children etc), then aim to stick to facts and important details only, avoid getting side-tracked into constant arguments and unnecessary fighting.
If you are on the receiving end of what feels like abuse or harassment in the separation, reach out to friends and family for support as well as organisations that can provide guidance such as Women’s Aid or Men’s Aid. There are various resources available here https://services.courts.ie/Family-Law/support-services.
Separations can be difficult, there is a process of healing and grief that must take place. In an ideal situation, treating each other with respect and kindness makes a much easier process for all. Unfortunately, in some situations this is out of your hands, but focus on what you can control and your own actions. Remember healing doesn’t happen overnight. No matter the situation, know that it will pass, and you will know happiness again.
This article was written by Lauren Hall, pre-accredited and newly qualified Psychotherapist at The DMC Clinic. If you are affected by the issues mentioned above, you can book an appointment. If you would like to discuss how any of the topics mentioned above are impacting your mental health, please contact The DMC Clinic to arrange an appointment.